Netflix Binge Review

Nothing like a surgery that immobilizes you in front of a television to go down a rabbit hole of Netflix movies to cure the most bored mind. As a precursor to this, I want to say none of this are art house movies that make you think, but they are all more options to help a bored, isolated, and drugged out person post-surgery. Most of them are those teen romantic comedies. These movies were selected purely off of the cover from the list of ‘Watch Next’ movies after finishing one movie. This was a binge in the truest sense of the word, watching one after another.

So without further ado, let us begin.

The Kissing Booth

‘A high school student finds herself face-to-face with her long-term crush when she signs up to run a kissing booth at the spring carnival’.

Sounds kind of interesting, right? Wrong! This movie actually begins with what I’m sure will be my long hatred of actress Joey King. She’s just an awful actress. I’m sorry, but she is. Not only does her face have the permanent look of a puppy that just got kicked, but she doesn’t seem to be able to display any other kind of emotion than the puppy being kicked. Her mediocre lines are delivered even more poorly than they are written, and her even being onscreen made me want to shut the movie off.

Following the whimpering nightmare of an actress is another amazingly forgettable cast that I’m perfectly fine forgetting. The big idea behind this is that you should be able to hook up with your best friend’s douchey brother and everyone else is evil for telling you not to. The best friend was the only character I remotely enjoyed or identified with. Of course, the main character proceeds to walk over him emotionally and when he dumps her as a friend I didn’t feel the least bit bad.

Rating: Pureed dog food

Alex Strangelove

Joey King’s polar opposite is Daniel Doheny. GOD DAMN, I love this kid. His performance is raw and emotional, putting you as the viewer inside his experience and confusion. The main character in this is on a quest to lose his virginity before the end of his senior year (sound familiar? @every teen movie ever). Yet things become complicated when he starts to become intrigued with a gay kid from across town and begins to question his own sexuality.

This movie is almost everything I want a teen LGBT movie. It has confusion and a difficulty knowing what and where your place is in this world. Daniel portrays this magnificently and gives the storyline, which is, in all honesty, nothing that special, that twist it needs to truly become emotional and spectacular.

My favorite scene from this is when Alex comes out to his family and their reaction is essentially: “ok that’s cool! Anything we can do to help?”. If only more people could act this way in real life and our world would be a much better place today. This movie was a great time and gives you something to think about after it’s over, which is so rare with this genre.

Rating: Prime Filet

You Get Me

Bella Thorne is the millennial version of Paris Hilton. Essentially someone who could really use a personality makeover. I hate her sooooo much! Honestly, not only did she ruin many different movies, but also a quality Disney channel show Shake It Up!. Hollywood, in the very unlikely offchance that you’re reading this, NEVER cast Bella Thorne! She is the definition of a stuck up, minorly racist woman who drives home the “I only like to party and hookup” stereotype that older generations tend to have about the LGBTQ community and I would be thrilled if she was to be left out of any and all future casting.

This movie stars a boring guy who breaks up with his horrible girlfriend to have a “great” experience with an even more horrible girl (Bella Thorne). And naturally, what Bella Thorne movie would it be if she wasn’t a violent, jealous arsonist/psychopath.

There’s a scene towards the end of the movie where the main character and his OG girlfriend are hiding from You Know Who. Honestly, I could imagine the producers filming this scene with the vision of a Michael Myers-esque horror movie, but then Bella Thorne showed up and tried to cut a bitch for stealing her mans and the producers went… ‘Nevermind guys, let’s just let roll with this.’

I don’t have any huge problems with this movie other than it being boring and sadly employing Bella Thorne. You Get Me frankly just wasn’t interesting or special. I would have forgotten to put it on this list if not for the golden opportunity to rant about Bella Thorne.

Rating: Microwaved Beef Hot Pocket

Premature

This Groundhog Day look-alike is about a high school senior who prematurely ejaculates and then wakes up to repeat his whole day. Yeah, I know. It sounds kind of pervy and immature and at first glance, I would guess that Adam DeVine wrote it. But Premature offers quite a few laughs and is a late night comedy that I could watch again.

We follow around the main character as he pursues an out of his league girl, then his day repeats over and over with us eventually finding out that he was chasing the wrong girl the whole time. Not corny at all, right?

What I can say about this movie is that it knew exactly what it was. They knew a movie revolving around premature ejaculation wasn’t going to have any astute social commentary and said: “well that’s fine, we’ll make damn sure that we get a few good laughs in”. That’s exactly what they did. This is a great example of a late night comedy that is used as a good mood booster with hilarious moments dipped in.

Rating: T-Bone

GBF

GBF means gay best friend. This movie follows a bunch of popular girls fighting over the recently outed gay teen. If you’re looking for a 90’s feel with 2000’s quality that came out in 2014, look no further because this stereotypical bore fest is just what you’re looking for.

All the acting was pretty good, actually. Nothing crazy, nothing to rave about, but the actors earned their paycheck by delivering their mediocre written characters’ mediocre lines.

Rating: Golden Corral sirloin

The Babysitter

The movie gods tried their best to prove me wrong. They gave Bella Thorne a good role. Don’t get me wrong, I still HATE her. But a studio finally figured out to capitalize off her hateability: by giving her a character that is meant to be hated… I applaud you, you did the impossible.

Bella Thorne aside, this movie was actually pretty amazing. This horror comedy was hilarious and was full of laughs and thrills through the whole movie. A child stays awake through the night to spy on his babysitter and finds out she is part of a satanic cult, and she is using him as a blood bag of pure blood. Naturally, the cult finds out he is spying on them and obviously try to kill him.

I really enjoyed watching this movie, every second of it was well-timed and funny, along with near-perfect casting (cough cough, Bella Thorne) that gives the movie an incredible tone. The well-written script is funny and only questionable with the scene at the end where the ten-year-olds start to get it on.

Rating: Prime Filet Mignon

The Package

This movie to me is the definition of bittersweet. The sweet part is a second appearance list by Daniel Doheny, where he performs spectacularly once again. Doheny has a charm to him where the audience cannot help but identify with the character and feel sympathetic to him. The bitter part is that it was produced by Adam DeVine. The first 20 minutes I was really loving the movie, and I mean LOVING it. It was essentially a “best bros” camping trip hijacked by one of the bros’ sister and another bros’ ex, which could become an incredibly interesting dynamic to follow. For the first twenty minutes, that is how it went, with funny lines offered up and I thought to myself, “Maybe Adam DeVine didn’t screw this one up”.

I was wrong. One of the bros cuts his dick off with a butterfly knife while peeing. When I saw this happen, in disgustingly vivid detail, I knew DeVine had his grimy hand, or rather mind, in this. From this moment on, the movie went downhill quick with a switch up of coolers and the whole group (minus one dickless bro) racing on a quest to get his penis to him before it becomes too late to reattach it.

The cast in this was incredibly interesting, with Doheny and Geraldine Viswanathan having incredible chemistry and deliver good lines, along with clever lines by Alexander Calvert. The rest of the cast were clearly missing some marks to pull it around, with Blake Anderson being the only comedic bright spot in the rest of the floundering cast. Eduardo Franco played a horribly obnoxious character, it was almost hard to believe he wasn’t Adam DeVine.

Ultimately, The Package offered a few decent jokes in a gross and bland story that could have been a great teen romantic comedy had DeVine not shat all over it.

Rating: Microwaved Beef Hot Pocket

F The Prom

This movie was awful. It was non-memorable and the only reason I even finished watching it was so that I could write this review. But now, as I sit writing it, I’m realizing I don’t want to write about this movie. It’s that bad and entirely unmemorable to the point where I hardly remember the face of the main character. So I’m not going to talk about what was good and what was bad because I refuse to give them the satisfaction. It’s bad, so bad. I guess Timothy Olyphant was kind of funny, but that’s it. I’m done talking about this horrible movie with its dry characters, bad writing, and poor casting.

Rating: Pureed dog food

Battle Royale

Battle Royale is a Japanese Hunger Games rip off with high schoolers who are forced to kill or be killed with one lone survivor. Well, this came out in 2000, so I guess Hunger Games is the real ripoff here. This isn’t your average battle royale like PUBG or Fortnite, this is children who are brutally murder in increasingly creative and gory ways. This rivals the Saw franchise in terms of pure violence, with the added effect of young teens who are mercilessly killed.

This film is a sci-fi thriller with heavy action and violence, so the skill of the actors isn’t truly demonstrated. The action here is truly brutal – I cannot stress enough how over the top some of the murders are. With explosive collars fitted around their necks, young 15-year-olds have their heads blown up and blood splatter the walls like paint. Overall, this is an interesting spin on the battle royale genre where everything essentially goes to plan for most of the movie. This movie is a solid action thriller but lacks quality character structure and dialogue, with clearly forced lines and underwhelming special effects.

Rating: T-Bone

Meet the Blacks

Meet the Blacks is a dark comedy revolving around the Purge concept that has been growing in popularity over the past several years, except this follows a black family from Chicago that moves to a wealthy neighborhood in Beverly Hills where they are surrounded by old, racist, white neighbors. Of course, Mike Epps and his family think that they’re safe in this new, rich neighborhood, but they’re not, because that wouldn’t make a very interesting movie, now would it?

The cast in this film is very funny and there are many hilarious, laugh out loud moments. King Bach makes an appearance as the daughter’s boyfriend and he is ironically murdered first. Spoiler alert, people die in THIS purge movie. Although there are countless laughable moments, quite a bit of the storyline feels entirely unnecessary and played out way too far. There is a full storyline about the children finally accepting their new stepmother. It’s sweet and all, but I don’t really care about Carl’s new wife feeling a bit excluded in the middle of a damn slaughter! There are clearly more important things at stake.  Funny moments are shown through this, but lacks the core elements of a quality film.

Rating: Golden Corral Sirloin

Fundamentals of Caring

This film revolves around a teenager with muscular dystrophy and his caregiver, played by Paul Rudd. Rudd does a terrific job, incredibly displaying genuine emotion over the young man he is watching over. He truly helps this child expand and grow from outside the wheelchair he is trapped in, and lifting him up so he can follow his dreams.

Although Rudd is incredible, the real star lies in Trevor, played by Craig Roberts. Roberts is witty and hilarious, yet guarding pure torment and emotion inside of himself, covered up by a wall of crude jokes and pranks.  Trevor has a brilliance to him and a look in his eye that demands to be let out to run free. This raw emotion is released through Roberts, who truly brings the audience in with him until you are enveloped inside his character.

Selena Gomez makes a cameo and does surprisingly well. I wasn’t expecting much from the pop star, but she puts forward a great performance as the doesn’t-give-a-damn Dot, who becomes a love interest for Trevor and his first real experience connecting with others outside of his wall that he put up around himself.

Fundamentals of Caring delivers pure, unadulterated feeling along with hilarious moments and view into the lives of others less fortunate than the average citizen and the struggle they deal with on a daily basis.

Rating: KOBE BEEF!!!!

 

The last piece of info I will leave you with is: Praise Daniel Doheny… I expect great things from this kid, and Joey King has been added to The BAD DOG List

Advertisements