Ohohohohohoohohhoohohohohoohohoh! I’ve been waiting a good, long while to write about this bitch. And it couldn’t be better – this movie is more controversial than gun control. Fans love it, critics hate it, and everyone else sits somewhere towards the hatred side of the spectrum. Well don’t worry, ‘cuz I’m here to settle all of that for you.

Since they dropped the first trailer for Venom, I was on my toes with anticipation. Finally, we will get a solo movie for the much-loved Spiderman villain that looks to have solid CGI and a solid level of terror – just as it should be. For the, oh, ten to twenty times I watched that trailer, chills ran up and down my spine when I heard, “We…aRE VENOM!” Sony seems to finally be giving the beloved antihero the justice it deserves. Right? RIGHT? Wrong.

Now before I get all pissy about why this spat in my face and took a nice shit on my dreams, let’s say what I liked about it. First, it seemed like they really embraced the inner dialogue inside Eddie Brock that truly makes him an antihero. Tom Hardy shone through here, as always. That man could act in whatever awful movie John Travolta is now making and still make his performance a work of art. He nailed the good-natured spirit of Eddie, with the dark flair and touch for danger directly on point. Expertly done, Tom, you will remain in my good graces forever.

Now, on to the heavy hitters. First topic…. special effects. WHAT IN THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?!? There’s not a single drop of blood, realistic violence, or anything graphic whatsoever. I mean, I guess I get that a PG-13 movie hits a larger audience, but look at the success of Logan and Deadpool! There’s no need to be cowering in the corner like, “But the R looks scarrrry”.  I think I speak for most people when I say this movie would have worked much better as an R rated film, from the graphic violence which was poorly painted over with special effects (or lack thereof) and horror element. So if for some reason you can convince any producer to give it another shot, just do the R rating. I promise it will work out much better.

Another huge problem was the dialogue. I mean, what? I don’t understand the plot even after seeing the movie twice! It was mediocre, poorly transitioned, and logically flawed. Poor Stan Lee is sitting in tears right now just thinking about this corruption of his masterpiece. Each scene seemed to follow its predecessor less and less and the movie went forward to the point that they were barely linked whatsoever. Superb actors could have been capitalized on with quality dialogue and chemistry, but these were missing entirely. The dialogue felt rusty and forced, that just made it feel like a chore to listen to most of the lines (once again, Tom was superb though).

Venom offered a lot of possibility to the table, but ultimately fell short at giving the audience what Venom truly is – a violent, brutal antihero with mixed intentions. While there were clever moments tossed in like a candied pine nut in a Caesar salad, most of the movie was just bland lettuce.

Rating: Microwaved Beef Hot Pocket (boiling lava hot)

(Almost) Redeeming Quote:

Venom: OutSTANDING! Now bite all the heads off and pile them in the corner!

Eddie: (frightened) And why would we do that?

Venom: So there is a pile of heads and a pile of bodies!