Alright, alright first things first. Jason Momoa is a literal Greek god who is chiseled from marble so he can look good in ANYTHING. But why, WHY, WHYYYY did they need to put him in green and gold? I get that that’s how he looked in the comics, but he was also BLONDE in the comics and just kinda sorta looked like someone who doesn’t have any friends ‘cuz he makes them all uncomfortable.

Now Aquaman is DC Comics’ most recent attempt to drastically catch up to Marvel’s brutal monopoly on the superhero film industry. And uhhh… they didn’t. Quick history lesson.

Batman v. Superman was shit. Just awful. It kinda starts to make sense if you know all the lore behind it and buy the extended edition which is 3 and a goddamn half hours long. On top of that, the CGI was mediocre and Rock-Troll-Doomsday was just a flop. So it didn’t get kicked off too well. The only good parts were Gal Gadot as Wonder Woman and Jesse Eisenburg as Lex Luthor (and most people DO NOT agree with me on Eisenburg, but I think he had a beautiful, creepy intelligence).

Now they did a smart job and followed this up with Wonder Woman. Great job. Quality movie with a BADASS female protagonist that was amazing. 12/10 job there DC, you’re on the right track.

And then we get to Fishboy.

First hour and a half. Real solid stuff. Aquaman is coming off as a total badass just like in Justice League, but we are also seeing a humanity to him as well as a well set up backstory. It is introducing the problems in Atlantis with Ocean Master (worst name ever. Even the way the damn actor says it makes me cringe), along with displaying the budding hatred between Arthur and Black Manta. There’s a few bad lines and scenes that could be edited better but overall well done.

Around the Coliseum fight is where it switches to just kinda just being shit. While James Wan delivers impressive directorial skill as always, something was just off from this point on. James Wan’s skill is evident through the fight scenes and there was a circular flow to every punch and strike and a smooth, driven style through each fight scene that was very impressive and I sincerely hope gets carried over to other movies.

Sadly, the plot crashes here. It seems like Will Beall’s caffeine rush ended here and he tried to tie together this manic bundle of ideas that are introduced. Sadly, he was unable to wrap it all up in a nice Christmas bow and it is evident in the plot line. Quite a few of the lines from this point forward felt forced and usually I think that is on the actor to truly make it stick, but here the lines are clearly out of place and unorganized. The reins were taken out of Wan’s hands and the film was reduced to an odd sci-fi flick that is every CGI animator’s demented pornscape.

While Aquaman had good elements and a solid foothold to go off, it lost traction as the movie progressed within the plot and script. The effects were gaudy and poorly implemented, switching the theme from a dark, brooding superhero flick to a fun and explosions Avengers-style mashup. Many of the characters’ individual plot lines were lost along the way, such as Arthur’s will to be a champion to the surface world and stay “close to home” and hold on to what makes him who he is. While this does not totally condemn the DC universe, their next venture will have to be no less than perfect in order for them to have a fighting chance in the Marvel-dominated environment.

Rating: Flash Fried T-Bone