Worst “Films” of 2018

Here we have the antithesis to my post on the best movies of 2018 that I released a few days ago. It’s really unfortunate about these movies. Not that they didn’t turn out well, but that someone thought it would be a good idea to fund these bags of garbage. May these serve as a cautionary tale.

10. Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom

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Now don’t get me wrong, I LOVE Jurassic Park. But this movie was not up to Jurassic Park potential. It felt like a reskin of the last movie, but — OH, WAIT! You’re telling me they made ANOTHER biggest, baddest dinosaur! Oh my god?!? Whatever will they do? They tried to across themes of family and belonging but they just STUMBLED through it. Parts of the movie were entertaining, but oohing and aahing at CGI dinosaurs is starting to get old by now.

9. The Grinch

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Not to say this movie isn’t entertaining. I would probably really enjoy it if I was younger. I just have a HUGE problem with this movie because it is not the Grinch. I mean, he’s a little happy, furry friend. He looks cute. The Grinch isn’t supposed to be cute. This Grinch drinks lattes. The real Grinch DOES NOT DRINK GODDAMN LATTES! Jim Carrey was a real Grinch. He ate glass. That’s badass. That’s the Grinch! Not this lil fuzzy ball.

8. Skyscraper

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Oh god. This movie was painful to sit through. Here we have a fun loving family man who has to save his family from a skyscraper. I don’t even know what to say. It was just awful. The only thing this movie had going for it is that it knew what it was and didn’t try to pretend to be anything more than a big explosive action movie.

7. Slenderman

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They finally did it. They finally killed off doing video game movies. Well, probably not. Maybe. But probably not. Not only was this movie just as boring as it was confusing, but it did a complete disservice to the Slenderman internet mythos. Every second of this movie was purely horrible, and I don’t want to ever think about this again.

6. Insidious: The Last Key

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This movie was a complete insult to me as a horror fan. Insidious is one of the greatest horror franchises and this butchered its legacy. I was looking forward to this for so long and it was awful. It spat in the face of the mythos of the Insidious world and clawed its way with horrible acting and a poorly written script. I’m not mad, just disappointed.

5. I Feel Pretty

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Amy Schumer has gone into the deep end. She is no longer funny, she still can’t act and why in the hell did she think she could write a good movie? I used to actually really like Amy Schumer until she just became a gross cesspool of dirty jokes without and real comedy in it, not to mention her comedic integrity went down the drain when people finally began catching on that she was stealing jokes. I don’t know what to say. This movie is a superficial statement about how it’s wrong to make superficial statements. Get out of here with that shit. Come back when you have a well thought out and inspired idea. Actually, no. Just don’t come back.

4. Gotti

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I feel bad for John Travolta. He has been kicked down over and over and over again, but the poor bastard keeps trying to get back up. He spent TEN YEARS working on this movie. I wanted to like it. I wanted it to be his big come back. But this movie is just atrocious. It physically hurt me to sit there and watch this horrible movie. Every line, scene, and visual felt so out of place and unnecessary. I would like to just make this movie disappear.

3. Fifty Shades Freed

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Alright, full disclosure. I didn’t watch this movie. Which is why I have it as only the third worst. I hate every ad and whenever someone talks to me about how “No, no, no, man. They’re actually sweet, wholesome movies” I want to throw myself off a bridge. The only good thing is that this is the last one. Please let it be the last one.

2. The Happytime Murders

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I felt like I should take a Purell bath after this. Parents, if you let your children watch this and not Game of Thrones, you’re delusional. This movie is just as disgusting and deplorable as it is poorly written. If you ever want to know why I hate Melissa McCarthy, watch this movie. This movie is like the Muppets had a child with Louis C.K. This movie is like Sesame Street was raised by an abusive alcoholic. This movie is— you get the idea.

1. Death of a Nation

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Alright, a quick disclaimer. I have no problem with anyone’s political beliefs. I think everyone needs to be more tolerant of alternating beliefs from their own and consider other perspectives because that is how we grow as a culture. I don’t care if you are a conservative, liberal, or a literal troglodyte who doesn’t know what a politic is. The fact of the matter is that this movie is horrible. It is essentially a Trump infomercial that accuses all Democrats of being Nazis because they want a welfare program. The movie as a whole was biased and largely falsified. Facts used have been disarmed by various historians, both conservative and progressive. Many interviews were heavily edited and blatantly took statements out of context. The only thing you do when you release a movie like this is make your entire political party look bad. More than this, the movie was just plain boring. I didn’t enjoy a single element. There were quite a few statements I found very interesting, but the way they were presented was mind-numbingly boring and painful. This movie takes the cake as the worst one because more than just being boring and intolerable (like Gotti) or tarnishing movements/actors that aren’t necessarily bad (Melissa McCarthy in Happytime Murders) it rolls all of it into one disgusting hairball that was violently thrown up by the sickest cat on the planet.

 

So those are the worst movies of 2018. Hopefully, 2018 won’t have any train wrecks like this one. As always, let me know what you think!

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